WHEN SIBLINGS FIGHT!

I was asked to share how we handle things when our kids start arguing with one another. I am happy to share the good, the bad, and the ugly of what happens in our home. Please note I have no "official" child development training and any advice shared on this blog is simply that....advice. If you love it...use it. If you hate it....ignore it. 

We have four kids between the ages of 5-8. My biological children were 5 and almost 2 when we adopted our other two children at ages 2 and almost 5...yes you are reading that correctly! Through the beautiful world of adoption, our older children are 6 months apart and our younger kids are 8 months apart. When we became a family with four children, it became very obvious, very quickly, that my husband and I were going to have to establish some clear boundaries and expectations for how our kids were to treat one another....before total chaos ensued (we still have a little chaos....that builds character, right?). Here are a few things we have done in our home (through trial and error) to help our kids handle arguments and rivalry effectively.....most of the time..... :0)

1-Nip undesired responses between children in the bud....quickly! If you don't want your kids to speak to each other rudely, don't allow you kids to even sigh deeply at each other. You know the "sigh" I am talking about....the one where one child enhales deeply and lets the air out slowly enough so that the other child knows that the brother or sister is significantly annoyed. The sigh where no words are spoken, but things are clearly communicated. This is the beginning of communnicating rudely.

There was a time when one of our kids used "that sigh" toward another sibling. I addressed it directly on the spot. I said, "I heard you just take a deep breath and sigh, you sound annoyed at __fill in a name__. Can you please use your words to tell me why you are frustrated? Using that sigh is not effective and you sound rude." This opened up a discussion about how one sibling wanted to keep their bedroom tidy, but the other sibling had just left some of their dirty clothes on the floor. It allowed for a conversation where an 8 year old had to learn to be more understanding about the cleaning ability of a 5 year old, and a 5 year old got a firm reminder of the importance of putting their dirty clothes in the laundry basket because they share their bedroom with someone else.

If I had not addressed "the sigh", the frustration in the 8 year old could have continued to fester without the 5 year old understanding why....and a blow up could have occured. However, because we addressed it when the frustration was at the level of a "sigh", we were able to have a great discussion, address the issue directly, practice good communication....and no one made a decision that got them in "trouble".

2-Physical fighting is never allowed....ever. Our kids are not allowed to hit, push, pull, smack, each other in anger (wrestling/tackling when they are playing is a different issue). Attacking one another in anger is destructive to their relationships. It is a power struggle where no one wins. It does not exhibit love. It enhances poor communication about the real issues. Honestly, we only really had this issue when our kids were toddlers...and only a couple of times. Our kids have been taught that it is not an option and they really don't ever "go there".

3-Focus on "team"! We call our family a "team" often. We want to clearly communicate that our family has to work together to win together. When kids don't have a sense of "team" in their family, they fight only for themselves. When they have a sense of "team" they are more open to fighting for the good of the family (which may mean putting ones own personal desires to the side temporarily). When I ask, "Who wants ice cream?", all of the kids come running! If I am noticing that one child is getting in the habit of making sure they are first to get everything, I ask that child to help me make sure everyone else gets something before they do (i.e. "Since you are first, you can help me serve your brothers and sister (friends, family, classmates, etc.) by passing out the bowls of ice cream.").

This is another reason why we believe chores are critical for everyone in our family. Everyone has to do "their part" to help our family be successful. I will speak more about chores in another post....

4-Consistency is key. This is one of the hardest parts of parenting....taking the time to sort out conflict when.....I am tired or busy...or running late! There are times when I just don't want to take the time to address attitudes, character, responses to siblings, behavior choices, etc.. It is so much easier to say, "Stop it!!!" and move on. Although that may silence the immediate issue, it does not help grow my kids' character, love for each other, social skills, or conflict resolution skills. One thing I have learned about consistency, is when I am consistent with my kids and my expectations for my kids, issues are resolved quickly for the long-term. When I am not consistant, things are not resolved quickly and we have to deal them for much longer periods of time. This is why....as much as possible (with imperfection)....I try to deal with my kids conflicts with each other immediately and effectively. I don't want to deal with them long-term! And I have to say, that because of this, my kids rarely fight or argue with each other.

4-Remember that in most situations, the kids in your family will have each other much longer than they will have you. As parents, we have to do everything we can to make sure our kids have great relationships with each other. There are few things as fabulous as when you see your children showing love toward each other (without a parent "insisting" upon them showing love). Those moments of love only come when the relationships between siblings are nurtured with clear expectations and moral standards.

Super Moms, may you all be blessed the next time you hear "the sigh" from one of your kids!