WHEN I DON'T FEEL LIKE SUPERMOM...

This is a going to be a tough post to write. I am going to share a difficult secret. I hope that by sharing, it will encourage another mom out there who is also struggling and, who knows, maybe this will bring me some comfort too. There is comfort in confession, right?

We have 4 children (that is not the "difficult secret"). Two of our children are biologically ours; two of our children were adopted. We brought our children home from Ethiopia when they were almost 5 years old and 2.5 years old. For the most part they both adjusted to a new family, a new country, a new language, new food, and new experiences very well. However...........................

Our son (who was 2.5 when we brought him home...he is now 6) has had two major issues since day one. Stealing and lying. This past Friday was the ultimate low point for us and his behavior. I got a call from the principal of his school telling me that he was caught in the staff bathroom binging on bags of chips. The chips were left over from a parent workshop day two days earlier. He apparently saw the chips in the bathroom when he snooped in the bathroom to see what it looked like.  He went back to class, then at some point, asked to be excused to "use the restroom". He returned to the staff bathroom, grabbed a bunch of bags, and started eating in the bathroom with the lights off, hiding behind a curtain. The principal said she sensed someone was the bathroom (she is also a mom who has that "sense" for things that are happening that should not be happening), heard rustling behind the curtain...and there was my son shoving chips in his mouth. 

It happened about an hour before school ended. So, I spent the next hour bawling my eyes out until I had to pick him up...I was so incredibly sad for my son. We had worked very hard on the "food/stealing issue" and I thought it was dealt with.....this was a glaring red flag that indeed there IS still a problem. I was sad because I knew that acting in this way meant that he was still living in fear, still living in survival mode, still seeking unhealthy choices to make himself feel better, still hurting.

I prayed that he would confess the truth to me when I picked him up from school....but was disappointed when he boldly  lied about it several times until I flat out asked him about the incident. Only once he realized that I already knew the truth, did he tell me what happened. The hardest part is that he is not remorseful....at all.

There have been so many similar incidents like this in the past and we have done everything we can think of to help him and to help us help him. You name it, we have tried it....some things I wish I could take back. Nothing we have tried has worked beyond the length of time he has been able to exercise some will-power.

So, we are seeking counseling. I didn't want to go to this step. I wanted to read books, read other blogs, read posts on adoption chat groups, but not this step. This step is hard....it is humbling....it makes me feel not so "super". It makes me question....Where did I fail? What have I done wrong? Am I not loving enough? Supportive enough? Encouraging enough? Will he end up in prison some day? Why doesn't he just do the right thing? He knows the consequences in our house for making decisions that don't show love to God or love to others, why doesn't he care? Why does he only care about himself? Why doesn't he care when he does something that hurts someone else? Why am I his Mom?

I was praying Friday night, while walking my dog, and God reminded me of an important truth. My son is not in our family by accident. I am not his mom by accident. God ordained us to be together since the beginning of time. This is not a mistake. 

So, I will continue to do my best to love, to guide, to help, to establish boundaries, to fight for what is best....for my son. I know the road ahead will not be smooth, but I know God can heal any hurt. He can heal my son and he can heal our relationship.

One of the hardest things for me to let go of is the guilt....guilt for the days I don't like my son...guilt for the times I feel regret for adopting him (yuck....that was a hard one to write)....guilt for the situations I know I handled incorrectly, guilt for hurt I feel like I added to a boy who was already hurting.

However.......guilt is stupid. It is paralyzing. It does not allow you to move forward. So, I am taking a deep breath and tossing guilt aside. Guilt will not help me to help my son. 

I will humble myself and seek outside help. I need to focus on this not being about me, but about my son.....who has the best smile. He is a boy who has endured great trauma at a young age. He is a boy who is broken....like all of us. I will fight for him to be healthy. I will pray and teach him to love God and love others. I will love him unconditionally (even when I don't want to). I am broken...and loved unconditionally by a great Father who adopted me. 

Although I don't feel like "Super Mom"....God has created me to be the very best "Super Mom" possible for my son. And for today....that truth is enough.